


cheek to cheek

by coulsons-hawk (allyoop)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Boyfriends, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Friends to Lovers, Hearing aids, Love, M/M, Shame, hearing loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1231921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/coulsons-hawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint has a hearing problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cheek to cheek

Clint has a hearing problem.

It isn't anything he really hid; it wasn't some huge secret. Anyone who read his file would know the whole story and he wouldn't hesitate to answer whomever asked. His hearing aids were just as part of him as a hand or a leg, so sometimes it slipped his mind that they were even there. A newbie agent with a sharp eye would stare too long and Clint would laugh at how quickly they looked away when he caught them.  _Its no big deal,_ he would say.  _Just forget they're even there. I do._

But he doesn't. How could he? Most of the time it's like breathing; put 'em on in the morning, take 'em off at night. He even had a little calendar set up to remember to change the batteries (he learned this the hard way, after getting caught on a mission with that awful 'low battery' beep like a countdown to doom). It was clockwork, it was routine, but it was also something he never asked for. Sure, he had adapted and he had adapted _well_ , but Clint couldn't ever forget about those two little devices stuck in his ears that cost more than any car he owned. 

And of course, it made things _complicated._ There was the whole showering and swimming thing. Damn things would bust if wet and so it took special care to make sure they were in a safe spot when he headed towards water. And he swam less now, because it isn't quite as fun when you can't hear the music that was once perfect for swimming laps and working out. 

But certain complications he could never predict and then when they happened he was  _so very aware_ of the figurative depth of his loss and he hated his hearing aids. He hated those expensive little monsters that dictated his life. He hated how they made him different, he hated how they made people curious and stare. And he hated how they made him feel as if he was flawed or broken or wrong. 

He didn't go out of his way to tell others about his problem. If it wasn't relevant, there was no reason to share. It didn't affect him (except when it did) and so Clint kept quiet and let his keen sight and expert aim take all the shining praise, leaving whatever flaws he hid to stay in the dark. 

*

All the bolstering praise from the end of a successful mission was not enough to keep Clint steady as he felt those familiar feelings of shame wash over him.

"Clint, I don't know what you're thinking. _Please_ talk to me." Phil was looking at him, frustrated with the silence but his worry far outweighed the annoyance. Clint and Phil had been exclusive for a few weeks now, having finally gone on the date that the whole SHIELD HQ had been taking bets on. Although their "official couple" status was relatively new, the dance between them had been burning for years, so it was no surprise when Clint found himself sliding a very special request across Phil's desk, asking for SHIELD permission to date his handler. His handler, of course, said yes and sealed the form with a kiss.

But here they were, previously curled against each other on Phil's couch, limbs tangled and tongues happily celebrating their newfound love. Phil made a move to undo Clint's pants, both of their bodies clearly wanting more contact, more friction. Whatever Phil was planning, it didn't involve a very spooked Clint standing away from the couch, eyes flitting towards Phil as he wrung a hand through his hair looking stressed. 

"Talk to me."

"Phil, I-" He had no idea how to vocalise his emotions right now. So much of it was stormy thoughts he hated to share; pains and insecurities that lived in the darkest part of his mind, things he shoved away from the light. But Phil, wonderful Phil, the man who loved him and whom he loved back, was so worried and he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve Clint or his baggage. But he had to speak.

"You know I have a hearing thing."

"Yes, Clint." 

"And I wear hearing aids."

"I've read your file. And you've mentioned it."

"Ah, yes, but... You see..." Phil stood, reaching a comforting hand out to Clint. He was having the worst trouble speaking. He had never said these words out loud; had never had the chance. They were an old route his mind used to spin, but they were still slow and painful on his tongue. "Having hearing aids is a hassle. As I'm sure you can imagine. But there's things no one ever tells you. It's like the bastards want you to figure it out for yourself and its  _awful._  Its stumbling and awkward and it makes even sex more complicated than it already is"

"I don't follow."

Clint barked out a laugh, a fake echo of mirth. "And why should you? Its not like anyone ever thinks about it. I sure didn't. Not until I didn't have a choice." He glanced to Phil, eyes still wild. "You know how most people like hair pulling? I sure do. But what if someone, in the heat of the moment or something, hits my ear and knocks one out? What if the battery falls out? What if it falls off the bed or gets lost in the tangle of sheets? Am I supposed to stop in the middle of sex just to go searching for my lost hearing aid?" He dropped Phil's hand, moving it back to wringing his hair. "Forget about post-coital cuddling. I can't fall asleep with them in. So I have to drag myself awake and standing just to take them out and keep them safe."

"So why don't you-"

"Why don't I take them out pre-sex? Well then I can't hear." Clint stilled his body and locked eyes with Phil, searching for understanding. "People don't realise how important the vocal part of sex is. Hearing someone shout your name as they come, all the whimpers and dirty whispers. You know that feeling when you're underwater, where your whole head is surrounded and sounds are muffled no matter how you strain to hear? Imagine that, except in air and on a bed, and your partner is getting more and more frustrated that you're not responding or answering because  _you can't hear_."

He looked away. He couldn't bear watching if pity crossed Phil's face. Clint's seen it before; he doesn't need it now. He felt a soft hand on his jaw, turning him back to face Phil.

"I'm not going to pretend I understand. And I don't offer pity but I want to help. I want  _you_ Clint, and I want you to be comfortable."

He tried to breathe, but his throat caught and his shoulders shaked. "And all I want is to  _hear_." He rubbed a hand across his wet eyes, no longer caring about saving face. Clint felt fragile and raw, so many things he barely admitted to himself were now floating broken edged in the space between him and Phil. "All I want is to hear you see my name."

" _Clint._ " He kissed him, chaste and soft, to sooth him "I want you so bad, but I will wait a hundred years for you if that means you will be more comfortable or have found a way to avoid what you're so afraid of. I promise you I will help you with research or talking to others with hearing aids or anything else you could need. You have SHIELD at your disposal; I will make sure of that." _  
_

"I really hope it won't be a hundred years. We'd both die of blue balls." Clint laughed.

"Well, then we should definitely aim for a bit less than a hundred years." Phil kissed the tip of his nose with a playful wink and Clint felt a little more whole.

"I really, uh..." He felt a little shy, now that the air seemed clear. "I really appreciate this. Usually I just sex and run, avoiding the whole conversation or ordeal."

"Don't run tonight. Will you stay?"

The creeping fears started to inch in again. "Phil, I dunno. I'm not very good at bedside manners. I never stay the night."

"Can I be the exception?" 

Clint wanted nothing more than to say yes. His whole heart was screaming but his mind shut it down. "I can't. I want to so badly, but I've never... I just don't know what to do."

"Can you hear me if I hold you close, together cheek to cheek?" Phil grinned, using Clint's secret love for Fred Astaire against him. He blushed and rolled his eyes, and Phil took his hand again. "I want to try. Will you let me?" 

"Yes." He found himself saying. And it was the truth. His heartbeat had never rung clearer, even though his fears urged his feat to flee. "I want to try with you."

Phil was right, like usual. Curled against him in bed, arms holding him close to Phil's chest, Clint really could hear every sweet word and loving promise that was whispered into his ear.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a subject I've been wanting to write since I learned that Clint has hearing loss. Fandom should really talk about it more often. I speak from experience that it's wonderful to see a superhero and all-around great guy have such a relatable issue.
> 
> Anyways I digress. 
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated!


End file.
